“People do not fight and stonewall for lack of communication techniques. They fight and shut down to numb the pain of disconnection.”
― Peter Stosny
About Communication Issues
Does your relationship seem plagued by communication issues? Do you long for the ease and freedom of communication you enjoyed when you and your partner first met? Have you tried all manner of communication techniques from magazines, books, and even therapists, all to no avail?
Communication issues have crystallized as one of the leading reasons to seek therapy. Yet, it is perhaps misleading to, as many therapies do, focus solely on verbal communication techniques. That is because we don’t communicate primarily through words, but through emotional states. Although you may feel that your communication problems are creating pain and frustration, it is likely more accurate to say that your relationship’s connection problems have lead to unproductive communication.
Benefits of Couples Therapy
Access and express unacknowledged feelings and fears around gridlocked arguments
Decrease emotional reactivity and engender emotional connection
Transform contention into curiosity
Re-center information exchange, not control, as the goal of communication
Increase feelings of interest and caring
Promote attunement at multiple levels through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice; "love beyond words"
My goal is not to arm you with communication skills so you can better articulate how your partner is failing or disappointing you! My goal is to help you prioritize connection so that you can create an environment of safety, trust, openness, and respect while reducing emotional reactivity that erodes the loving bond between you and your partner.
My Approach
The foundation of my work with any couple is an understanding of the challenge facing modern lovers. On the whole, we are wanting more from our relationships than any other time in human history. We still want the stability and comfort afforded by traditional marriages, but we now also crave emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation, passionate sex, and spiritual connection…on into our golden years! Unfortunately, most of us are still operating under the rules that worked (or didn’t) for our parents and grandparents. We need a brand new set of skills to match our lofty vision.
In light of this, I see myself as an emissary for a radically new kind of relationship, the intimate relationship. I believe intimacy is our birthright as humans, and that we do best when living in authentic connection. I also believe that being torn from this natural state is the single greatest environmental contribution to psychiatric and behavioral disorders. For me, therapy is about returning to this natural state, and clearing up anything that gets in the way of true closeness.
The relationship you want is not out of reach, but neither is it for the faint of heart. If you work with me, I’ll be asking a lot of you, but it’s not just because that’s what I think you need. It is, without a doubt, what I think you deserve.
I am trained in a variety of modalities that I integrate to create the best treatment plan for your relationship. These include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Relational Life Therapy (RLT), Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), and Gottman Couples Counseling. I also draw on somatic psychology, spiritual psychology, attachment research, polyvagal theory, trauma theory, multiculturalism, depth psychology, feminist psychology, and gender studies.
Recommended Resources
Books
- Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel
- The New Rules of Marriage, Terry Real
- Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson
- How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking About It, Pat Love and Steven Stosny
- ScreamFree Marriage, Hal Runkel
- 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman
- Hearts in Harmony (eBook), Gay and Katie Hendricks