6 Questions to Ask If You’re Contemplating Divorce
You’re sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. The coffee’s gone cold. One of you is scrolling a phone, the other is staring at the wall, and neither of you can remember the last conversation that didn’t end in silence or a slammed door. You’re both wondering the same thing but neither of you will say it out loud: is divorce the only answer left?
At Austin Intimacy Solutions, we’ve sat with hundreds of couples in exactly that moment. Our approach isn’t to talk you into staying or out of leaving — it’s to give you the tools, the language, and the space to figure out what’s actually happening in your relationship before you make a decision you can’t undo. These six questions aren’t a checklist for saving a marriage. They’re a framework for clarity.
Question 1: Are We Communicating or Just Talking Past Each Other?
Most couples who come to us for couples communication work insist they talk all the time. And they do — about logistics, schedules, whose turn it is to walk the dog. What’s missing is the kind of conversation where both people feel genuinely understood. Surface-level talk keeps a household running. True communication keeps a relationship alive, and they are not the same skill.
In our Austin-based coaching, we teach couples to spot the patterns that quietly erode connection. The Gottman Institute’s research identifies four specific behaviours — the “Four Horsemen” — as key predictors of divorce. If you recognise yourselves in them, that’s not a death sentence. It’s a starting point.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling
- Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character (“you always do this”) rather than raising a specific complaint (“I felt hurt when…”).
- Contempt: Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling — the single strongest predictor of divorce in Gottman’s data.
- Defensiveness: Deflecting responsibility (“I only snapped because you…”) instead of owning your part.
- Stonewalling: Shutting down, going silent, withdrawing from the conversation entirely.
How Active Listening Can Shift the Dynamic
Active listening isn’t a soft skill — it’s a discipline. It means reflecting back what you heard before you respond, asking clarifying questions instead of loading your next rebuttal, and resisting the urge to fix. When couples in our Austin coaching sessions practise this for even two weeks, most report fewer escalations and more moments of genuine contact. The goal isn’t winning the argument. It’s understanding the person in front of you.
Question 2: Can We Co-Regulate Our Emotions Together?
Co-regulation is the process by which two nervous systems calm each other down. It’s what happens when your partner’s steady presence helps your heart rate slow, your breathing deepen, and your threat response switch off. In a healthy relationship, co-regulation is happening constantly — often without either person noticing. In a struggling one, it’s often replaced by co-dysregulation, where each person’s anxiety amplifies the other’s.
Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is built around this principle, and it’s widely used in couples coaching to rebuild the emotional safety that makes intimacy possible. We use EFT-informed methods in our intimacy coaching because it works on the nervous system, not just the conversation.
What Co-Regulation Looks Like in Daily Life
- A hand on the back during a stressful phone call.
- Slowing your own breathing when your partner is spiralling, rather than matching their panic.
- Saying “I’m here” instead of “calm down.”
- Making eye contact before responding to something difficult.
When One Partner Shuts Down: The Pursuer-Withdrawer Cycle
One partner pushes for connection; the other pulls away. The pursuer reads the withdrawal as rejection and pushes harder. The withdrawer reads the pursuit as pressure and retreats further. This cycle is one of the most common patterns we see in relationship coaching in Austin, and it rarely resolves without structured intervention. The good news: once both partners understand the cycle as the enemy — rather than each other — the dynamic starts to shift.
Question 3: Have We Lost Our Emotional Connection—or Just Misplaced It?
Emotional connection isn’t a fixed state you either have or don’t. It’s a skill — one that gets rusty when it’s neglected and rebuilt when it’s practised. The UK charity Relate has found that relationship satisfaction is closely tied to shared rituals: the small, repeated moments that signal “you matter to me.” When those rituals disappear, the connection doesn’t vanish. It goes dormant.
The Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude in a Marriage
Solitude is chosen. Loneliness is imposed — often by the slow drift of two people who stopped turning toward each other. Many couples we work with describe feeling lonelier inside their marriage than they ever did single. That’s not a sign the relationship is dead. It’s a sign the rituals that once sustained it have been replaced by autopilot.
Rebuilding Connection Through Small, Consistent Actions
You don’t rebuild emotional connection with a grand gesture. You rebuild it with a morning coffee made without being asked, a genuine “how was your day,” a twenty-second hug. In our coaching, we help couples design rituals that fit their actual lives — not a fantasy version of romance that collapses under real-world pressure.
Question 4: What Would Divorce Actually Solve—and What Would It Cost?
This is the question most couples avoid, because it forces you to look at logistics, finances, and emotions all at once. The UK’s no-fault divorce law came into effect in April 2022, allowing couples to divorce without assigning blame. That removed a layer of legal combat, but it didn’t remove the practical and emotional weight. Legal & General estimates the average cost of divorce in the UK at £14,561 per person — and that’s before you factor in the emotional toll on children, friendships, and your own sense of identity.
Emotional and Financial Costs: What the Research Says
Divorce is sometimes the right answer. We’re not here to talk anyone out of it. But it’s worth being honest about what it solves and what it doesn’t. It solves a legal status. It doesn’t automatically solve communication patterns, unresolved grief, or the fear of intimacy — those tend to follow you into the next relationship unless they’re addressed.
The Difference Between Escape and Resolution
Escape is leaving to get away from something. Resolution is leaving because you’ve genuinely done the work and know the relationship can’t meet either person’s needs. One brings relief that fades. The other brings clarity that lasts. Our job is to help you tell the difference.
Question 5: Are We Willing to Try Relationship Coaching Before Calling It Quits?
Structured support works. Relate, a UK relationship charity, reports that over 50% of couples who attend counselling together see improvement. That’s not a guarantee — but it’s a strong argument for trying before you sign anything. Our relationship coaching in Austin is designed for couples who are serious about giving the relationship a genuine shot, not just ticking a box.
What to Expect in a Coaching Session
You’ll be guided through structured conversations, given tools to practise between sessions, and held accountable — gently — to the changes you’ve committed to. We don’t take sides. We don’t tell you what to do. We help you hear each other.
How to Find a Qualified Coach in Austin or Online
Look for credentials: Gottman-trained, EFT-certified, or licensed therapists with couples specialisation. Ask about their approach, their success measures, and whether they work online. We work with couples across Austin and remotely, so geography doesn’t have to be a barrier.
Question 6: What Do We Each Need to Feel Safe, Heard, and Valued?
Dr. John Gottman’s research on “bids for connection” shows that healthy couples respond to each other’s small attempts at attention — a sigh, a comment about the weather, a shared joke — far more often than struggling couples do. Those bids are how we say “I see you.” When they go unanswered, safety erodes. The UK-based charity Tavistock Relationships offers further support for couples navigating this territory.
Identifying Your Non-Negotiables vs. Preferences
Non-negotiables are the conditions you need to feel safe and respected — honesty, fidelity, shared parenting values. Preferences are things you’d like but can live without. Confusing the two is one of the most common sources of gridlock. We help couples separate them clearly.
Creating a Shared Vision for the Future—Together or Apart
Whether you stay together or separate, you’ll co-parent, share finances, or share history. Building a vision for what comes next — even if that vision is apart — is an act of maturity, not defeat.
FAQ
How do I know if my marriage is worth saving?
If there’s still goodwill, a willingness to try, and no active abuse, there’s usually something worth working on. Coaching can help you find out whether the relationship can meet both your needs — or whether it genuinely can’t.
Is couples coaching the same as therapy?
Not exactly. Coaching tends to be more forward-focused and skills-based, while therapy often digs into past trauma and mental health. Many couples benefit from both, and we’ll refer you to a therapist if that’s what’s needed.
What if my partner won’t attend coaching with me?
You can still do meaningful work on your own. Individual sessions can help you clarify your needs, improve your communication, and decide what you’re willing to accept.
How long does relationship coaching usually take?
Most couples see meaningful shifts within six to twelve sessions. Deep, lasting change takes longer, but you’ll know within the first month whether it’s moving in the right direction.
Can we do coaching online if we’re not in Austin?
Yes. We work with couples remotely across the UK and beyond, and the outcomes are comparable to in-person sessions.
Asking these six questions isn’t a sign your relationship is failing. It’s a sign you’re brave enough to look at it honestly. Whether you choose to work with us at Austin Intimacy Solutions or with a UK-based service like Relate, please don’t make a decision this significant alone. Reach out for professional support — and give yourselves the chance to know, with clarity, what comes next.