Couples Therapy

Because love is our legacy.
Schedule Now

“And the heart that is soonest awake to the flowers
Is always the first to be touched by the thorns.” 
                    ― Thomas Moore

About Couples Therapy

Love is our most important work. It is our glory and our power. It is, far and away, the best thing that we do. Underneath our outward striving for wealth, possessions, and recognition, there lies a deeper yearning for a total and lasting experience of love. 

In the end, love is all we leave behind. The legacy of love is the most precious thing we can give our children, but love is so much more than something we pass down. When we learn to love well, we not only pass it onward, but outward and upward. Love is so powerful that it can actually heal the hurt and dysfunction of prior generations.

So why does this thing that seems so important also seem so hard to find and keep?

The reason is that love dredges up our hidden desires, our greatest fears, and our deepest hurts. When this happens, we either deal with what arises so that we can experience love more fully, or we find a way to shut love out. We numb, we lash out, we withdraw. We blame, we start arguments, we criticize. We engage in power struggles, we distract ourselves, we look outside of our relationship.

The good news is that while there are seemingly endless ways to shut love out, there are only a few secrets to letting more love in. You and your partner just need to learn the tools and how to use them properly. This is what couples therapy is all about.

In couples therapy, you’ll learn…

How to uncover the hidden reasons you’re lacking the closeness you really want

How to communicate in harmonious ways so that you can solve problems creatively

How to recognize when previous history is “leaking into” your present interactions

How to identify which strategies are leading you away from intimacy

How to recognize when you are communicating from a place of fear and defensiveness and shift into a place that is more heartfelt and authentic

Each of us arrives in relationships with a set of “operating instructions” which we’ve absorbed from our culture, in general, and our families, in particular. Couples therapy is a place to critically evaluate these implicit rules in order to understand what is and isn’t working. In therapy, we look at not only the rules that each partner brings with them, but how those rules interact to create and maintain suffering.

If you’re nervous about therapy, rest assured that my “blame” is always on the pattern, never on the people. Most of us come by our less-desireable behaviors honestly, having observed them growing up or learned them in order to adapt to our early environment. The beautiful thing about relationships is that they challenge us to reach beyond ourselves and grow as individuals. You’ll be amazed how quickly things can improve after even a slight upgrade in your relationship tool set.

My Approach

The foundation of my approach is an understanding of the challenge facing modern lovers. On the whole, we are wanting more from our relationships than any other time in human history. We still want the stability and comfort afforded by traditional marriages, but we now also crave emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation, passionate sex, and spiritual connection…on into our golden years! Unfortunately, most of us are still operating under the rules that worked (or didn’t) for our parents and grandparents. We need a brand new set of skills to match our lofty vision. 

In light of this, I see myself as an emissary for a radically new kind of relationship, the intimate relationship. I believe intimacy is our birthright as humans, and that we do best when living in authentic connection. I also believe that being torn from this natural state is the single greatest environmental contribution to psychiatric and behavioral disorders.  As a result, for me therapy is equal parts recovery and discovery. It is the reclaiming of parts that were lost, sometimes decades ago, as well as the uncovering of something new entirely.

The relationship you want is not out of reach, but neither is it for the faint of heart. I value growth over comfort, and I hold my clients to a high standard. If you work with me, I’ll be asking a lot of you, but it’s not just because that’s what I think you need. It is, without a doubt, what I think you deserve.

I am trained in a variety of modalities that I integrate to create the best treatment plan for your relationship. These include Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Relational Life Therapy (RLT), Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), and Gottman Couples Counseling. I also draw on somatic psychology, spiritual psychology, attachment research, polyvagal theory, trauma theory, multiculturalism, depth psychology, feminist psychology, and gender studies.

Recommended Resources

Books

If you would like to set up a free initial face-to-face consultation to see if we might be a good fit for counseling work together, please submit the form below. It may take up to 2 business days for a response. Thank you! -Hayden